He said, "Don't let your future be destroyed by my past." I said, "Dont let my door hit your ass."

An Open Letter.

Dear Liam.

Here at ainsleyandjosh.blogspot.com, we greatly appreciate your blog membership and all the comments that you bring to our site.

However, you recent behaviour, well, it’s getting us down.

As you are well aware Ainsley and Josh are complex, intrinsic, metastasised pods of wonder and amazement, but as you may know from the popular trilogy ‘Lord of the Rings’, ‘with great power, comes great responsibility.’ This in relation to Ainsley and Josh, basically means ‘Ainsley and Josh are really great, but they have both meditated themselves into the most sensitive and desired paradigm of superiority, so exclusive and volatile, it can easily be shaken to its core by a little bitch complaining all the time.’ Yes. We are superior to you…in every way. Yes, we are better looking than you. Smarter. Sexier. Funnier. More successfuller. Better at speaking good. Yes our blog’s better. But this doesn’t mean that you should just feel obligated to ejaculate your acid burning, bitey problems onto us… just cos we are all those things above better than you and many more I couldn’t think of because my time is that much more precious than yours.

Don’t…no don’t cry.

Oh don’t do that.

Oh now you’re making me cry!

Oh Josh is getting weirded out/turned on.

Oh now you’re all blotchy and ugly and because we are so pure and godlike we are unable to look at ugliness in its rawest form.

(Now speaking from behind a curtain)

Now, Liam. We know it’s not all you. Something has made you this way, turned you into a knapsack of emotion. My top five causes of your increased whineyness:
(1) Your current location of London Ingerland leads me to believe that perhaps something in the air or water over there makes people whiney, crying for their mummy, nancy boys.
(2) Being away from Ainsley and Josh of ainsleyandjosh,blogspot.com is hard. Of course you’re Sad. Who wouldn’t be?
(3) The cold. Oh the cold. It pains me to think of how small your testicles are. Tiny, scared, searching for the light.
(4) An STD? Whingeyitis is a hard one to shake, I should know, Josh had it about a month ago...
(5) You’re gay, I’m sure I’d be deemed homophobic if I didn’t say your whiney wah wah’s was, in some part related to your genetic gayness. Maybe the high altitudes of travel triggered some sort of synaptic malfunction, causing you to take on the ‘sammy sad face’ persona usually observed in straight men.
But fear not Liam, I can stop you being a little shit face everyone hates. Read on petal, read on and find yourself k-yord KYORD I SAY! AMEN!

T’would only be fair to elighten you by power of all my charkas aligned, Liam, meet my top 5 ways to get you out of the Mr. Mopeys.
(1) You’re in Mother Fucking London! Mother Fucking London! It’s amazing! Not what you thought it would be like? Then you’re not going to the right places mein freund! Sure, customer service is lousy, lower than lousy, but Sainsburys! Trash Mags, Tesco! Cheap Books and Gigs! It’s ok to be in a pub at 3pm on a Tuesday, everyone else is! Hyde Park! Piccadilly Circus! Red buses, cute black cabs with cabbies who know where they’re going! And they speak ENGLISH! Sydney can only dream!
(2) You’re working at the BBC! The BBC! You are peaking! You will never be more than what you are at this moment. You’ll be like the hot girl in high school who’s ass got big! The BBC!
(3) Yes, you’re away from Ainsley and Josh of ainsleyandjosh.blogspot.com. But reality is we’re having fun without you. We’re meeting better and funnerer people and we will most probably de-friend you from Facebook before the year is out! So don’t pine for us…we’ve moved on and already forgotten you.
(4) I spoke to your parents in Coles the other day, they feel the same as (3).
(5) Sydney is humid and there is the slight smell of rancid fish in the air.

Well, I hope that makes you feel better, I’m sure it did. I sure feel better for getting it all of my chest.


xx