Oh well, gee...
Josh works four days a week and has more money than god (lowercase, I'm making a statement, wooo ooo!). I have six exams within the next two weeks, am (begrudgingly) headed to the Adel-of-aide this weekend and also work 12 hours a week on top of uni. But yeah, I can see how it's my responsibility to keep this blog updated! Josh's actions are speaking louder than words and I'm wondering why he's so shocked he's not getting postcards from Liam (except for the mercy fuck one of course). Where's the passion? He's off gallivanting with his little man friend, the rest of us are just chopped liver, whatever.
Well, enough about fart head, I got bible bashed via letterbox drop! They're infiltrating my home! The contraband made it past my filtering system because it was in an aloof disguise...they had put the slander in cute comic book form, which I happily indulged in before I was hit with the first damaging blow. I must admit, I was cynical, The title of the comic is 'The Choice' which I thought could have been a number of things:
a) Firstly and most obviously, 'The Choice' people make to be gay.
b) Then I thought, hey maybe its about incontinence? 'The Choice' people can make to have the freedom to start squatting and picking up small children again.
c) Laundry powder, ‘The Choice’ is always a tricky one…
d) Financial planning/Real Estate and other boring things
…and after about thirty minutes of staring into space, pondering I thought ‘Why not open it?’
I quote from page two:
Sinner: You’re going to say I have to choose between God and the devil right?
Man of the ‘good word’: WRONG! MOST people will be in hell because they thought like you…’
So at this point I’m like ‘whoa, seems a bit harsh Good Word Man’. But this comic is obviously set up very similarly to a Mills and Boon novel where something has to pique my attention and make me want to continue reading…and it worked!
The next few pages go one about the devil being bad and the ‘sinner’ character is taking on a very dim persona, whilst Good Word Man is looking dapper in his suit and is like the life and soul of the party. I think there is a marketing strategy in here somewhere…
Devil bad…we’re all born in sin, yada yada yada…
Page 7:
Good Word Man: George (a.k.a Sinner) because of sin, we are all born spiritually dead…and headed for damnation in hell…
Holy moley! This is getting a bit full on, especially for lunchtime. I mean, that quote coupled with an image of people falling off of a cliff with horror etched on their faces, they want their message delivered. There mode of transport? How about 8 Litres of uninterrupted FEARRRR! I’m guessing below the cliff is ‘damnation’, though at this point I think a handy little cartoon sign pointing downward saying ‘Damnation’ (or ‘Hell’ for those of us sinners who are less educated…) would have been a nice touch.
Then it lists all these things that the evil evil devil uses to prevent us from knowing the ‘one was to escape hell’s flames’. He so bad!
1. Religion…which I can’t help but think is a bit of a double edged sword for them...
‘He uses it to keep billions in bondage’. Believe me, if they kept you in bondage in church, I would go.
2. Education. Now this image is one of my favourites. It’s a teacher figure in a suit looking very similar to a politician who is pointing with one of those stick things to a picture of a gorilla with the word ‘Daddy’ underneath it. I must applaud them on their amazing ability to trivialise that little thing called evolution in such a small box! I mean, what are all the fossils? I think there should be another image of a dinosaur or primate skeleton with the words ‘I don’t know, probably Plaster of Paris or something...eh hem…’ underneath.
3. Peer pressure. I nice guy getting approached by a group of thugs…gulp. Damn those kids…
4. ‘Satan keeps some people (read: sinners, you and me) so busy chasing the cares of this world…’ The image is a man chasing money. Enough said.
5. This is another favourite: ‘He (satan, not god of course!) uses sports to keep many others (more sinners) away from it.’ Well! Finally something the gays agree with you on! Phew! The image is of a fat, tattooed man eating just food standing and cheering in a crowd of spectators. That’s a lot of stereotypes covered in such a small box, though we did steamroll evolution pretty fast. We got a lot of ground to cover…
I should note that after every outrageous claim there is a bible quote, you know, like they have referenced this comic book with ‘factual data’!
God is great … Jesus died for our sins, yada yada yada… you too can be saved sinner, I mean George… plenty of info to get me thinking ‘Hmm, maybe I am a sinner? Maybe it’s not too late for me.’ This is what would be referred to in Mills and Boon as the ‘foreplay section.
Good Word Man shouts at sinner George (bold and capitals and everything) because he repeats that he has a ‘Choice’ between the devil and god. I feel like there was a fist smashed down onto the table and maybe the rattling of cutlery and the diner falls silent, maybe a lady gasps, but this is not pictured. But they are in a diner, a public place so I think it’s a bit disrespectful to just yell at someone, but hey I’m just the sinner talking all my sinner talk.
The Good Word Man responds with ‘No George (It’s the back of his head, but I’m sensing disdain…), you don’t have to choose the devil…YOU ALREADY BELONG TO HIM! You are ALREADY CONDEMNED AND HEADED FOR HELL.’
Well, duh.
At this point they show a thug walking by the diner and I’m learning that any time a tattooed person is shown, it’s representative of those ‘headed for hell’. Maybe he’s just getting milk or something though, I don’t know.
George is scared, the fear is working. He says ‘This is TERRIFYING news. It REALLY scares me. What about my poor family…my aunts and uncles? They’re all great people! They couldn’t ALL be going to hell.’
Good Word Man doesn’t hold back he’s a man on a mission-ary (haha, bit of in house humour there): ‘I’m sorry, George but without Christ (Oh my gosh, my spell check automatically capitalises the word Christ! Note, Allah does not automatically receive capitals, though it is American spell check so its nothing we didn’t already know) they are DOOMED.
Doomed, Yeowser.
Then George questions other religions and those billions of people and FYI, they’re headed for hell too, you heard it here first.
At this point I think it would’ve been wise for George to say ‘What about the millions of people in isolated areas of Africa and Asia who will never come into contact with Christianity? Surely they wont go to Hell, just as creatures of unlucky circumstance.
Good Word Man would have been all like ‘yes. Yes. YES!’ with a ‘Thump, thump, thump’ on the diner table again…
Only one god…bible bible…’only one can rescue me from eternal damnation in the lake of fire’… Interrupted only by a funny picture of a devil being squashed by the bible.
Look, listers, I’m sad to say that on the second to last page, page 20, they’ve got George. He put up a good fight but says ‘Man, I could’ve gone to HELL!’ then on page 21 he’s repenting away like there’s no tomorrow. Then it goes on to tell me that I have a choice and I should ‘Choose Christ right now’
…But I don’t wanna
Well, it’s been real. ‘Til next time
xx
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