A Lesbian. Not Equal. Less.

Well, Just finished reading an email from my little Liam and it brought a tear to this Indian’s eye. I like to think Liam’s absence is what lead me to internet dating, at least it’s what I will claim in the next instalment of Josh and my autobiography, ‘Josh and Ainsley: Some Time Apart’. (Also in this series: ‘Ainsley and Josh: A Level Apart’ and ‘Josh and Ainsley: Torn Apart’) Without his masculine energy about, why, of course I need an outlet for all this pent up energy.

Speaking of masculine energy, not long ‘til Lauren is back. Josh and I have been discussing her return, over cigars and Brandy Alexanders and we fear that she will come back too cool for us. She was already the coolest out of our gang but, we feel this trip will be the clincher. The moment of truth where she meets up with us for a tofu shakes and saffron cakes, claims she’s going to the toilet and then never comes back. She will find cooler friends, perhaps with dreadlocks, or hybrid cars, and soon we will just be uncomfortable memories for her…like Josh’s copious AIDS scares… But we decided, you know, we can’t mope. There’s just no point because, she wont return to us. Despite our tears and Gossip Girl antics. So we thought ahead and have started holding auditions for her replacement. We went to a girls night, booked a couple of minutes of stage time and, in matching blue tutus and tiaras (blue for manliness, the lesbians like that) and said: “Hi, although we need no introduction, allow us to introduce ourselves, I’m Josh, and I’m Ainsley and as we’ve already Twittered, we’re holding auditions cos we need a new les for our group which is currently in recess. The les’s role is to add some, as the blacks would say ‘flay-va’ to our group, to make us seem less cliquey and more how you say ‘of the people’. She has to take a lotta shit, we like dyke jokes (“huge fans”) and paying out the vulgarity that is the female anatomy. In our group one might describe the lesbians role as the lackey, a lower rung, not equal, less. So if any of yous are interested, there’s a sign up sheet in the bathrooms, and please, Dykes or ugly lesbians need not apply…”

Needless to say, the list was so full by the end of the night, and we’ve had a lot of interstate interest, as well as a few trannies from Indo-China, so we’re still organising audition slots. Heheh, slots… So it’s early days.

Laters xx